Last week one of my buddies asked a question which i thought was worth discussing. He asked about how to overcome fears which pop up sometimes - even if things are going great.

The truth is it's not at all a simple question to answer because it differs from person to person. There are actually entire books which have been written on that subject only. However, one of the best ways I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.

What exactly are gradients? Gradients are similar to steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will probably be impossible and you will not succeed. If you keep trying it over and over you might begin to build up a "complex" about failing, and soon not try anymore.

If you try to leap up five or six steps on your first attempt, it will also be scary - not really impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences leaping that high you may fail too.

The right approach is to take the first step and then advance one-step at a time. It is the most pleasant way to climb a ladder.

Below are a few examples of how I apply that to overcome fears which pop up in meeting women and dating women:

As most guys do, I often go out to meet women in a social setting. Sometimes it is particularly scary. So while I am approaching a beautiful woman in a party, rather than telling her how gorgeous she is and how much I am attracted to her (that exposes my fear of being shot down in front of many people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say "Hi." If a girl likes you or is interested in you she will discover a way to carry on the conversation. If she doesn't then i know she has no interest in me and the simple "Hi" just appears that I am friendly - not necessarily even flirting - thus I don't feel shot down in front of others.

If I am starting to date a girl and I feel fearful taking the next step of trying to get intimate with her, I will not ask her "Do you want to get intimate?" I take a lower gradient and ask her if she would like to relax, get cozy, and just listen to music at my house. If she doesn't want to get intimate she surely won't wish to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or rather than trying to suddenly "kiss her", I will just hold her hand or give her light touches every now and then to find out how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will begin touching me back to give me the go ahead signal.

These are a few examples. Whenever you feel uncomfortable and fearful simply try to think of a lower gradient which isn't as scary and enables you to make forward progress toward your goal. If you do this you will know how to meet women and the way to relate to them quickly.

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